The Ethics of Living: When Honesty Doesn't Feel Appropriate

My experience of life and the way I show up in it has been that of lessons and transitions. Major ones. I get stronger with each one. However, more often than not, these moments of change come with so much discomfort that I tend to find myself wondering if I’m really ready for them. I always come to the realization that the key to my success is in always feeling for equilibrium and trusting that I’ll always be alright. As I, once again, find myself traversing some unknowns, I know the answers to my questions will arrive in perfect timing like always. 

I have a Masters degree in Applied Philosophy and Ethics. While the cost of it, monetarily speaking, leaves much to be desired, I would do it all over again if given the choice. Why? Well, because it broke me down in ways I hadn’t imagined were possible. I was destroyed. I was left to build myself back up, brick by brick, with a set of ideals, beliefs, and an understanding of the world  that felt more fitting with who I actually am and what I genuinely stand for. It’s made it so that I’m more willing to question my own biases despite how painful it might feel because I know a greater pain lurks just around the corner with attempts to do otherwise.  My studies have made me a better, more balanced human who is more motivated by integrity than by what others think. My last semester of earning my Bachelors degree was particularly jarring. That's when the old me officially died. What was born from that fire and ash was a new, more resilient and honest me. My eyes had been opened. After a soul-crushing depression that lasted about two and a half years, I felt as though I could make it through anything.

Now, as I type this, I can feel that I’m experiencing something quite similar to that. However this time, it is my eternal spirit that is primarily engaged rather than my intellect. My desire to love and be loved is taking precedence over all else. There’s a balance that is developing, making it so that I’m experiencing life with more clarity than ever before. More of my false beliefs are being drawn out into the light. The everyday behaviors that I’d adopted that keep me small and meek are now glaringly obvious. Pushing past these limiting cycles and showing up as the real me feels like many little deaths. There’s an intense ache or a sting that throbs deep within my mind and body for a few hours, then subsides, and then I’m left just a tiny bit more immune to the pain of growth. But it still hasn’t gotten easier. Not yet. That pain still gives me pause here and there and I wonder, briefly, if I can really handle the aftermath of being fully seen. Despite this hesitation, my life up  to this point has shown me that my spirit won't let me settle for anything less than being completely free no matter how much I fight it -- no matter how much that this freedom sometimes feels like overexposure, like I’m putting a target on my back to be ridiculed and deemed “too much” or “too out there” or “too bold”. 

Can I be very honest with you right now? 

What if I told you that what I see with my eyes is more than just flesh and bone? What if I told you that when I look at you and most others, I see the pureness of your heart? The shadow of your soul? I see the matter and energy that makes up the “you” that you experience every day. I see all the things that are left unsaid in polite company. Yet, many times, I struggle to engage fully with what I see and feel since so many of us would rather be lied to and turn a blind eye to the innate power that lives within all of us. And, let's face it, certain systems of thought and control benefit greatly from the denial of our freedom and power. 

When I think back on my life, I realize it’s always been this way. I’ve always been sensitive to the energies of the world and other people. The elements have always had secrets to tell me and your silence has always informed me more than most may be comfortable acknowledging. 

I struggle because how do you say to the person sitting next to you, smiling in your face, telling you about all the things that they’re consciously willing to let you know about that you can see the pain hovering over their brow and the dark thoughts swirling behind their eyes? How do you tell the stranger across from you, so desperate for you to believe that they’re okay, that you can quite literally SEE and FEEL that they’re hurting? 

I’ve played into this game time and time again, nodding politely, smiling back, letting them think that they’ve fooled me. It’s painful because after making such an effort  to have them believe that they’ve convinced me, I feel lost. I feel like How am I supposed to operate genuinely in a world where so many people around you would rather live out their lies than their truth? Even more than that, I know it’s a game of survival we're all playing. I know the only reason we all hide so much of our truth from one another is because many of us have been taught through various negative experiences with family, friends, lovers, strangers, church, and society that it isn’t safe to just be authentically you -- that you have to hide and pretend to be something you’re not to make it in this world. Worse still, many of us actually get to a point where we start to believe our own deception as the truth. So I think, “Who am I to shatter that thin veil of false security for someone else?” Would I really be helping someone by telling them the truth of what I see when they’re trying so desperately to hide? Maybe it really is just kinder to smile and nod and wish them well on their way. To hope that they somehow make it out of their oppressive ways of being sooner, rather than later, and with plenty of time to celebrate themselves in this lifetime. Fortunately, I’m confident that with continued time and experience, it will be revealed to me the ways in which to engage with this paradox that leave my personal sense of integrity and desire to do good and be love intact.

I feel I’ll have much more to say on this one day, but as  some parting thoughts I only ask that you ponder this for yourself -- perhaps it’s likely that you know more than you think you do and your urge to treat others as separate from you is the ultimate betrayal of self? What would it mean if you took this as the truth? What would your life look like? Who would be in it? Would things change or would they stay the same? How honest can you be with yourself in consideration of all this? My wish for you is to take these lessons in and come out on the other end of it all stronger and more brilliant. Just as I am.