Good People Can't Have That: A Nightmare and the Unlocking of My Self-Worth
I often think we as individual people don't do enough to pay attention to our dreams; those glimpses into the more hidden parts of our psyche that we receive as we lie in our beds at night. When I first moved to New York a little over 4 years ago, I had a nightmare like none I’d ever had before. It actually makes me chuckle a little inside to think about it now because it should have been such a benign situation. However, my subconscious was SCREAMING at me -- showing me both where I needed major improvements and where I was already making a bit of progress. My eyes were opened to my perceived limitations in this way that stirred me up on a deeply foundational level. The imagery of this single dream helped me unlock much of my sense of self-worth and better tune into my wants, needs, emotions, and long-held beliefs.
In this dream I was sitting at dinner with a dear friend. I felt relaxed and engaged. We were happy, laughing, enjoying one another’s company as you do with someone you’ve created a really loving, solid bond with. We were sitting on the lovely back patio of a restaurant, glasses of white wine in hand, enjoying the only slightly cool breeze and taking in the beauty of the early evening.
In the next moment, we were given our dinner menus. My friend happily perused the menu, making her choices as her intuition and hungry, tipsy belly saw fit. I took in her carefree, joyful attitude for just a moment as I listened to her choices and then leisurely gazed down at the menu in my hands. As my eyes focused on its words, it happened -- cold, stark, unforgiving FEAR. The well of my anxiety had opened up and swallowed me whole in a moment that should have been filled with so much eager anticipation and enjoyment. Then, like a crashing wave, that fear shape shifted and assumed a form that was more characteristic of so much guilt and shame. As I silently panicked, my eyes crossed and uncrossed in an effort to take in the words and numbers in front of me. Then the crippling thoughts came. “This place is too expensive for me.” “I shouldn’t be spending this right now.” “Who do I think I am? I don’t deserve anything this nice.” “What does it mean about me if I spend this money right now on something I don’t NEED?” “What am I DOING? Why did I even agree to come here?” The panic, the fear, the shame and guilt, all swirled around in my mind, keeping me from making any choices or even really being able to take in the words I was reading in a comprehensible way.
On the outside I looked cool, calm, collected. My friend couldn’t even tell that there was a whole freaking war going on inside my head. My ability to appear calm in times of emotional turmoil is a skill I cultivated and perfected through my many years of self-doubt. Showing any signs of distress would only garner sympathy and the kind of attention I absolutely did not want. Showing negative emotion meant I would have to engage with a person I loved in a way that I didn’t feel prepared for because, as we all know, having the people you love see the REAL you, faults and all, is the most terrifying thing on the planet. (Sarcasm, but unfortunately a very real perspective taken on by many folks by way of their thoughts and actions or inaction.)
At times, in my waking life, I have trouble reconciling my fun-loving, “frivolous” side with the wise, deeply spiritual part of me. This shows up most when I think about the things I'm manifesting in my life. I love beauty. In fact, I’m a bit obsessed with it. My career in burlesque has shown me how much I truly enjoy glamor, aesthetic, and the ability to create a fantasy. I love it! And this even extends to my everyday life. I love beautiful surroundings, a great view, gorgeous, flowy clothing. I often get manicures and pedicures. I just love feeling comfortable and I revel in the process of pampering myself.
Soon, I anticipate living in a gorgeous home with a large balcony and a spectacular view of Manhattan. I finally realized that for a very long time, I had avoided letting myself want something like this. Why? Well, part of it was because I was telling myself a story in my head that it would be impossible for me to achieve something like that alone. Now I understand that that story was never real. I'm actually quite capable of achieving anything I desire. In fact, I’ve pretty attained everything I set out to achieve in my life. I wanted a Master’s degree so I got one. I wanted a “big girl job” at a startup with my own desk in a fancy high-rise so I got that job. I wanted to move to New York so I did just that.
Another, admittedly, bigger reason for my avoidance of desiring what I authentically want was rooted in my sense of worthiness. Deep down, I wondered if it was safe to want something that felt so big. Would it be incredibly selfish to have that nice apartment with a great view? Who would I hurt by having that? Who would suffer in my having of that? Is it morally congruent for a spiritual person to have something SO BIG? Would I be in the wrong? How would I justify my havingness? What would people think? So many questions. None of which were tied to my innate power. All questioning my self worth. All questioning my worthiness to have exactly what I want, as I want it, and still remain a good human being that people genuinely loved and wanted to be around.
Where did all this programming come from? Well, my family never had much in the way of money. I simply wasn’t used to seeing the people I love and respect have a lot. Don’t get me wrong, we were comfortable enough. We always had food on the table and clothes on our backs, but these blessings were always coupled with a thick, dense layer of anxiety and fear that living a paycheck to paycheck lifestyle tends to be characterized by. “The love of money is the root of all evil…”. Though that quote is often taken out of context, we’ve all heard this line and similar others that vilify the concept of desiring and having lots of money. I was inevitably programmed with the idea that the truly good people on this planet did not possess much in the way of monetary wealth. I had plenty of examples of poor folks around me who were religious, spiritual, and giving, but they would always be struggling to establish and maintain a sense of the kind of safety in the world that only money and wealth could provide.
I also wrestled with the issue of perceiving that maybe I just wasn’t worth anything. No one super close to me seemed to be worthy of a lot of money or elevated experiences so maybe that was my destiny too? Maybe I should just save myself the grief of wanting big things and settle for what was easily attainable?
Going back to my dream, I finally snap out of my anxiety daze while looking at the menu and make the safe choice that I’m so practiced at making, ‘search for the cheapest thing, choose that, whether I want it or not’. Then, something that felt truly miraculous happened. I had another thought. “Why am I doing this? I may not be rolling in it, but I have the money right now. Why don’t I choose the thing I really want just this one time and KNOW that I deserve to have it?” Something inside “dream” me finally decided to wake up to my own dysfunction and I realized I DESERVED that moment of joy. I deserved to feel good and just enjoy life a little without the threat of guilt and pain looming overhead. So I chose the thing I really wanted. I celebrated my choice. I quietly celebrated myself. I woke up that morning realizing I had had a major breakthrough and I had so much more internal loving up on myself to do.
This whole experience helped me understand that I was accustomed to linking my sense of goodness as a human being with an inherited poverty consciousness. My eyes had been opened to my ways of being and my habits in a whole new way. I understood some of the deeper love I needed to unlock within myself and I felt that much more determined to mindfully give myself the things I desire. I decided to get super present as often as I could manage and recognize my goodness and worthiness through my life’s experiences without the overhanging sense of guilt that I had grown accustomed to feeling when spending money or engaging in an activity that wasn’t deemed a “need”. Luxury itself is not innately wrong and we are all deserving of it so long as we desire it for the right motivations. We must engage in pampering ourselves not because our sense of self worth depends on it, but because it authentically suits us and brings us joy. I see that clearer than ever now.
So now what? Now I continue to dream big without apology. I continue to feel my worthiness through my visualizations and desires. I continue to feel and know that I am worth so much more than what I let myself have in the past. I give thanks for being so good at knowing exactly what I want. I know I deserve to revel in the full expression of myself without the threat of shame. My worth is ever-present and undeniable and so is yours.
